The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute

Author:The Arbinger Institute
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
Published: 2008-10-21T16:00:00+00:00

THE I-DESERVE BOX

View of Myself

Meritorious Mistreated/Victim Unappreciated

View of Others

Mistaken Mistreating Ungrateful

Feelings

Entitled Deprived Resentful

View of World

Unfair Unjust Owes me

As Yusuf finished writing, he said, “When I’m in this kind of box, I typically feel mistreated, victimized, entitled, deprived, resentful, and so on. Did I have any of these thoughts and feelings in the Mordechai story?”

“Yes,” the group answered.

“I believe you’re right,” Yusuf agreed. “If I had been alive to how such thoughts and feelings are designed to give me justification, I might have been able to recognize that something was crooked in how I was being. I might have been able to find my way back to seeing Mordechai merely as he was, as a person.

“But I didn’t recognize my crookedness, of course, and I went on viewing Mordechai more or less as an object for many years. And most of the other Mordechais I met as well,” he added. “Which is to say that I was feeling justified in both the better-than and I-deserve ways in the Mordechai story, and probably in the black beans story too. When I’m seeing others crookedly, what I need in that moment is justification, and I’ll find it any way I can get it—whether by seeing myself as better, as entitled, both, and so on.

“Before we leave the black beans story,” Yusuf continued, “I want to address two additional points: First of all, notice how my better-than and I-deserve boxes set me up to be mistaken about this man. When would I be more likely to mistake the source of the offensive odor—when I look disdainfully and resentfully at others or when I simply see people?”

“When you look disdainfully and resentfully at them, no question,” Pettis answered.

“So notice,” Yusuf continued, “the more sure I am that I’m right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken. My need to be right makes it more likely that I will be wrong! Likewise, the more sure I am that I am mistreated, the more likely I am to miss ways that I am mistreating others myself. My need for justification obscures the truth.”

“Interesting,” Pettis said, while turning the ideas over in his mind. The others appeared to be working hard on them as well.

“Yes,” Yusuf agreed. “One more point about the story before we move on. In order to make it, I’m going to change the scenario slightly. Let’s say this story happened at home or in the workplace. Let’s also assume, as Gwyn raised earlier, that this person really did have a body odor problem. In that case, which version of me—the better-than, the I-deserve, or the seeing-person version—do you suppose would be more likely to be able to help him overcome his problem?”

“Oh, I’d imagine that the seeing-person version would be more helpful,” Pettis answered.

“Why?”

“Well,” Pettis hesitated, “if you went to him when you were thinking he was a filthy lowlife or when you felt he owed you something, you’d probably invite him to resist you.”

“Does everyone agree with that?” Yusuf asked.

“I’m not sure that I do,” Lou said.

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